A Mind Of Its Own
by Cupcakes1020
Summary: Greg gets really depressed and he couldn't handle everything that's going on right now. Everything is simply wrong and he thinks it's his fault. Nobody knows what he really feels and he's about to give up. What would happen if he couldn't go through all of what he has been hiding ? Stopping the urge to cut is a battle for him and if he doesn't stop soon, things could go wrong.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N- Hey there people! I've been having this story in my head for some time now and it's bugging me and I thought that this site might be perfect for these kind of stories so here yah go fellas! This is my first story in this web but I've been writing in wattpad for quite awhile now. I hope you guys enjoy this story and have a nice day (:**

**By the way, I do not own CSI, but if I do, I wouldn't be here writing this. Oh, and sorry if some of my grammar's wrong or if there's any typos considering English is not the mother of my tongue… but it's my stepsister though! Thank you for reading and accepting my mistakes, I appreciate it a lot. Reviews and prompts are all welcome!**

Greg Sanders had been feeling this way ever since six months ago but this time's the worst. He kept on thinking about thoughts that he couldn't believe he's even thinking about it. He felt confused, betrayed, hatred, ashamed, disappointed in himself, lost and hopeless. Just recently, he's been thinking whether or not does the team even respects him. Whether Grissom treats him like the others. Whether or not does everyone thinks he's a big baby. He had been diagnosed with depression with Dr. Whites and prescribed him on some antidepressants but it doesn't seem to work at all.

"Greg... Greg!" Grissom practically shouted in front of him. "You should pay more attention on what's going on here or you'll never make it to level 3 Greg" Grissom said sternly. Each and every member of team is now staring at him with pure disagreement in the break room.

'Great. Just great. Now everyone's disappointed at you Greg' He thought to himself as he looked down to his feet.

"Okay so Nick, you go with Greg to Nevada Desert. A murder was occurred and two victims were involved. One's a male and the other's a female. Both of them around their twenties." said Grissom.

"Got it Griss." Nick said while Greg just simply nod his head.

Grissom went to give orders to Sara, Catherine and Warrick while he and Nick just stood where they were and listened to what Grissom said.

Greg was once again lost in his own thought.

Do they really appreciate me ? Am I such a screw-up ? Maybe they thought of me like a piece of tail to them. Oh yeah, Greg, don't you forget about Demetrius James. Remember him Greg ? Yeah, you killed him. You're supposed to be in jail. You don't deserve this. You don't deserve all of this. You killed a young man who could most probably live if you hadn't hit him. But what's done is done and now you got to pay the price. Jail is the place for you Greg, you're not the good guys. You deserve to suffer. You deserve to suffer a hell lot more then what Demetrius James had came through. You Killed a Young Man! How could you do that ?!

By that time, his tears are threatening to fall. All of his thoughts are crashing down on him. Nick seemed to saw Greg dazed out again so he snapped his fingers in front of Greg.

His heart's aching. His hands are beginning to tremble and he was about to break down when he was snapped by his own thoughts and into the real world.

"Greg, you seriously gotta stop dazing off or else you'll never make it through level 3 when you always daze off during a certain gathering. You're a good man Greg but to me, I think you're not cut out for this CSI thing. You can try but you'll be back in the lab before you know it." Nick said while everyone was once again looking at him with disappointment in their eyes.

What nick said hurt him a lot. It hurts a lot to know that even his best friend doesn't have support on him.

"Uhh.. I-I need some fresh air" Greg said and with that, he went out of the break room and headed for the stairs to the rooftop.

As the wind blew, he could feel the cold yet warm breeze of the night air. It feels delightful yet bitter at the same time. All these times, Greg had been hiding his true feelings from everybody with his witty jokes and goofy grins. It seems like it's the only way to keep his true feelings safe from anyone. If they knew Greg's little secret, the whole lab would make fun of him about it. Not to mention that once the lab's full with rumors, Grissom would know what's going on and he would probably get fired because he's not cut out to be a CSI in that state because he's a witty little crybaby and everyone hates a grown-man who acts like a crybaby. Everyone's disappointed enough with him already and he definitely doesn't need to add up his little problems to them.

Greg heaved out a sigh and leaned on the wall next to the staircase on the rooftop. Just then, his tears aren't controllable anymore. They kept on flowing like a water fountain and nothing could stop it. All his memories came back with a rush. He's parents are gone now and they're gone for good and it was all because of him. He was supposed to protect them but instead, he failed. His mother told him to try and fix the car but he wasn't paying much attention on it so he just simply did it. After that, his parents used the car to do the groceries but little did he know that they are never coming back because of him. He thought that the car's good to go but he's wrong. Dead wrong and now he lost the two people he could count on. He's alone in this world and nothing's gonna stop him from having nightmares of his parents blaming him that it was his fault that they're dead. Not only that but lots of horrible memories came rushing back to him and it hurts so bad like someone's stabbing him in the chest repeatedly. If only he could go back in time and fix everything. He would give up his life in a split second if he could for his parents and Demetrius James but that's impossible. Everything's too late now and nothing's gonna go back to the way it was. All he has to do now is pay the price. Greg faced the wall in front of him and started banging his head against it. It feels so good for him, it feels like all the pain in his heart is being released. The only thing he could focus on during that moment is the physical pain which is oddly soothing for him so he kept on banging his head harder and harder on the wall. He didn't care what's going on right now, all he cares about is to make the emotional pain go away and this is just the way to do it. He kept on banging his head harder and harder by the minute and it feels like his head's about to explode but he likes the feeling so he continued. With every second it takes, he took it as an opportunity to run away from real life. Call him a wimp but that's how he is. He's sick of everything that's going on right now and this is the only thing that he can do to make the pain stop for awhile and nobody's gonna stop him from whatsoever.

Nick quickly regretted on what he said and looked at the way Greg went out. He couldn't help but to feel guilty and kept on thinking that all of this was his fault. He was too harsh on the kid and he knew it. He should've been more gentle on him. Not just that but there's this feeling in his stomach that something bad's going to happen. Nick's not sure on what it is but he's sure that it's not gonna be pretty. He quickly excused himself from his team and went to the way Greg went which is the rooftop. Nick couldn't stop thinking about what he said.

The more he's closer to the rooftop, the more louder the sound of two objects banging against each other. Greg quickened his pace and once he's on the rooftop, he couldn't believe on what he's looking.

Blood. Lots of blood. Greg's head banged so hard on the wall that blood was trickling down the wall and a good amount of blood is pooling on the floor. Greg's eyes were red and swollen and tears kept on flowing out. Greg was silently crying while squeezing his eyes shut.

Greg could make out a muffled voice saying something but he couldn't really make out the words so he resumed on what he's doing and ignored the voice, whoever that is. The voice got louder and louder and now he could slowly make out what that person's saying.

"Greg! GREG! GREG STOP IT!" It was Nick, Nick said that.

Nick quickly grabbed Greg's shoulder but Greg immediately flinched viciously from Nick's grasp and began trembling from head to toe. There's a big cut on his forehead and blood wouldn't stop gushing out of it which means that it must be bad. Greg looked really pale and a thin layer of sweat is coating his face and neck.

"GREG! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING ?! HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND ?"

Greg was shocked by Nick's sudden outburst, hell even Nick's shocked by his own sudden outburst. As soon as he said it, he regretted it and wished that he had thought twice before saying anything stupid.

"Greg, please don't do this to yourself. What were you thinking ?"

Just then, Greg suddenly fell flat to the floor and lost consciousness. Nick was practically panicking but was able to stop being useless and start radioing the paramedics. Nick practically shouted through his pager and threw all the informations about Greg at once. Once that was take care of, Nick immediately called Grissom to come to the rooftop with all the others.

Nick was cradling Greg's injured head in his arm and tried to wake Greg up but to no avail so instead, he just said comforting words to the unconscious young man. It wasn't long until Grissom and the others are all at the rooftop surrounding Nick and Greg. Sara and Catherine both gasped at the sight before them while Warrick was leaning on the wall getting some support standing upright.

"What happened ?" Grissom asked sternly.

"I don't know. I found him banging his head on the wall so I yanked him and then the next thing I knew, he's unconscious." Nick said not getting his eyes off Greg. The blood is starting to soak Nick's clothes from the wound on his forehead.

"Where is the damn paramedics ?!" Nick half shouted looking at the door.

After about a minute, Greg's body started to jerk violently. "Quick! take anything soft and put it under his head, he's having a seizure!" Grissom ordered sternly. Nick took off his jacket and made it into a makeshift pillow and put it under Greg's head. Slowly, foam starts to come out from the corner of his mouth. None of the CSI could do anything but watch. It broke everyone's heart to see their youngest this way. Catherine started crying softly while Sara had glassy eyes. Warrick just stood leaning on the wall with his eyes closed, he couldn't bear to watch this. Nick sat beside Greg looking at him and it hurts Nick greatly inside. Grissom is the only one who doesn't show any emotions but everyone knew well that he's feeling helpless and as awful as they all are feeling. They couldn't believe that this is happening to their youngest. Right at that very moment, the paramedics came in bursting through the door.

_**TBC**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Thanks a lot for the reviews and all, it made me really happy :D So anyways, I was thinking of making another story about Greg hurt one shots. What do yah think ? Sounds good to yah ? Please tell me wether you think I should do it or not. Here's the next chapter! I love you guys with all my heart :) **

Nick is in the back of the ambulance and is trying his best to not let his tears fall.

"God G, what were you thinking back there ?" Nick whispered.

Before he knows it, the heart monitor started going crazy and the next thing he knew, he was being shoved to the corner of the ambulance. Frantic shouts are all over the place.

_"He's seizing!"_

"No.. no no no" Nick shouted as he was being held back.

_"Don't do this to the team Greg.. don't do this to me, please Greg." _Nick thought to himself as tears are falling freely.

The blonde started shuddering _twice_ in one night. His fingers and arms went stiff. The monitor started beeping like crazy and then Nick heard the sound, THAT specific sound that he would never want to listen in his whole life ever again. The endless beeping noise erupted his ears accompanied with frantic shouts.

"GREG!"

**Four Hours Passed**

Nick was pacing back and forth in the waiting room and would occasionally look up to the double doors in hopes that the surgeon would come out. The longer it takes the less hope he has, but that means he's still alive right ?

"Nick, would you please sit down ? You're making me dizzy." Warrick said with a sigh.

"I can't Rick, you should've seen him, he was so pale and there was so many blood! I saw him _died_ Rick, he _died in front of me _in the ambulance!" Nick said as a tear escaped from his eye.

"Look Nick, Greg is a strong person, he'll get through it. I know he will." Sara said, as she stood beside him giving a comforting hand.

"Now sit down! You're giving me a headache too" Sara said with a small smile.

Nick sat down on one of the uncomfortable plastic chair next to Sara. "Has anyone called Greg's parents yet ?" Nick asked as he just noticed that nobody had said anything about his parents.

"I'll get onto it." Grissom said as he rose from the chair and went out of the room.

About ten minutes later, Grissom came back into the room with a disappointment scribbled all over his face. "I couldn't get ahold of Greg's parents." he said as he made his way to an empty chair and sat.

"Maybe their just busy, I'll try to call them later." Catherine suggested.

**Another hour passed**

Everyone was starting to be impatient especially Nick. He began pacing back and forth again in the waiting room trying to calm his worries down but it was a failure. Not long after, a surgeon came out of the double doors in blue scrubs. "Family of Greg Sanders ?"

"That's us." Nick said as everyone made their way to the surgeon.

"Are you all family ?" The surgeon asked.

"No but we're the closest thing to him right now." Nick said while getting really impatient about this whole 'family or not' thing.

"Very well then. I'm Dr. Garcia" The doctor said as she shook hands with Grissom. "Why don't you all take a seat and I'll explain on what's going on with ." She said and gave a pitiful smile. Everyone took a seat on the uncomfortable plastic chair once more.

"Okay, let's start with the serious injuries, I must say, he is a very lucky man. suffered from post-traumatic seizures. We wouldn't know whether he has brain damage or not until he wakes up. He crashed again on the table but we were able to get him back. He is currently not breathing well on his own so he is put on a ventilator. also has a moderate case of concussion. Now, onto the mild injuries, we managed to patch up his head, no stitches are needed. Some minor cuts and bruises but nothing serious. He would probably wake up within the next two days."

Nick and the others were shocked by the long list of injuries Greg is experiencing. It stung everyone's heart but mostly Nick's.

"Would you like to see him ?" The doctor finally asked.

"Yes please." Nick said with unshed tears in his eyes. "Okay, right this way." Dr. Garcia said as she led the way to Greg's room.

"Oh my gosh" Catherine gasped. The sight of Greg in front of the team is devastating. He looks so pale, small and fragile. A white bandage was wrapped around his head hiding his Blonde hair. Some cuts and bruises around his face but what caught everyone's eye was the tube sticking out of the blonde's mouth. Greg couldn't even fucking breath himself!

The sight in front of their eyes was devastating, it broke all the older CSI's heart.

Nick took a seat by the bedside and wrapped his hands around Greg's cold ones. "You gotta wake up buddy, you gave everyone a heart attack you know." Nick said with a slight smirk. He was scared to hold the kid's hand any harder, scared that he might brake Greg's fragile bone.

It had been two days since Greg was admitted to the hospital and he's not showing any sign of waking up. The doctor said that there's nothing to be concerned about saying that he just needs more rest from the incident. Nick hadn't left Greg's side at all… well unless he really needs to go but other then that, not even once. Grissom and the rest of the team had paid Greg a visit a couple of times before and after shift. Catherine tried to persuade Nick to go home, take some rest and freshen up himself but the man won't budge. Warrick tried to contact Greg's parents but they would always go straight to voicemail. He tried to convince himself and the team that maybe, they're just in a business trip and they couldn't be disturbed but every time he says that, there's always this bad feeling in his gut that says he's dead wrong but Warrick just simply ignored that little nagging feeling.

It had been two straight days since the incident but it feels like two whole months for the team.

"C'mon Greg, wake up man. I swear that you're gonna give me grey hair way before my time." Nick said while warming up Greg's freezing cold hand.

"You gotta wake up now man."

When he leant back to his chair Nick saw Greg's fingertip twitched slightly from the corner of his eye and that's enough to caught the older CSI's full attention.

"Greg ? Can you hear me ?"

Greg's eyes started to flutter open and Nick pressed the call button on the edge of the bed.

"Ehhhmmm.. wha' appen ?"

"I think I should ask you that question. How're yah feelin' bud ?"

"Huh ?" was Greg's only response.

"You must be really out of it. I said How Are You Feeling ?" Nick said with a sly smirk plastered on his face.

"M'ead hurts" Greg said as his eyes started to drop close.

"And that is as expected. I can help you with that." Said a nurse as she's walking past the door. "My name's Nurse Suzy. Let me just give you some painkillers, sound good ?" Suzy said with a smile as she prepared for the things.

"Mmhhmmm" Greg said drowsily.

A few seconds passed and Greg appeared to be more comfortable then before. "There you go, all done. Now get some rest and you could be out of here in no time." Suzy said directing it to Greg. "As for you, I don't want you to bombard him with questions and get him stressed out." Suzy said now directing it to Nick.

Both man just simply nodded and with that, the nurse took off and Greg went to dreamland once again.

"I couldn't believe that you've been asleep for two straight days and you're still tired" Nick whispered as he too took a nap for the first time in years.

_**Several Hours Passed…**_

Nick had woken up about 20 minutes ago but Greg hadn't so he settled himself on watching TV. After about 10 minutes, he heard a soft murmur coming from Greg. It was inaudible but Nick could make out a few words. _'Mom' 'dad' 'sorry' regret'._ It didn't stop there, the murmur got louder and louder and the heart monitor began spiking before he knows it, Greg jerked awake with tears rolling down from his eyes.

He didn't know what to do. Everything seems wrong. It shouldn't be his parents that had been gone, it should be him. It's all his fault and if he could trade places, he would in a heartbeat. It's them blaming him, accusing him and .. Oh gosh.. the blood pooling underneath their body. It's that all over again and this time it's worst, his parents said if they could choose whether to have him as their son or not, they would go for a no.

. … The word kept on echoing all around his head. All the frustration, the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal, the regret, all these feelings kept on pushing him further and further and further. Greg didn't know what to do now. He's stuck and nobody's going to understand. Nobody's going to know how it feels, how he feels and it's pushing him out even further.

As soon as Greg started to hyperventilate, Nick pressed the help button. "Greg, calm down." _didn't work._

"Greg, you gotta listen to me." _didn't work._

"Greg! Calm the hell Down!" _didn't work either._

Just as Nick put a hand on Greg's shoulder, the younger CSI immediately flinched harshly and got off his bed. Greg began thrashing all around the room. His IV was pulled and he began crying and screaming uncontrollably. Nick was stunned by Greg's sudden outburst, so stunned that Nick froze for a moment. Not long after, doctors and nurses entered the room as they heard the loud screaming and yelling in the room. Nick was shoved out of the room with a nurse as the other restrained Greg. The last thing he saw was Greg being sedated and the door was closed.

Nick called the team and they said they'll be there in the next 10 minutes. What was Greg even thinking ? Is he even thinking straight ? Still, what was he even thinking ?

_**TBC**_

_**PS- Should I make Nick more caring from now on or should I make him sort of aggressive and unreasonable first then to the good part ? Thanks y'all!**_


	3. Notice ! Alert! Alert!

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry that I havent been updating lately well it's because I have an extremely good reason for it.

Reason number one is because my grandfather just passed away lately so it's been kind of busy lately. Number two is because now I'm not exactly at my home country so I couldn't really update for even now I'm currently borrowing my brother and sister in law's computer just to update this for a bit. Number three is because I forgot to bring my laptop to this place so yepp... genius old me...

Anywho I once again am very sorry that I couldnt update this quicker. I really am. I wouldn't be updating the next chapter that quick but maybe early next year. I'll try my best to update the next chapter as soon as possible so please do keep in touch :)

Thanks for reading this my fellow reader,

yours truly,

Joanne.


	4. Chapter 3

**Hello people! I finally got a chance to update this little something from my busy schedule! I'm sorry for having to update for so long but if you're loyal then please do understand. I hope that you guys are still reading this ... If you are then THANK YOU! Here's Chapter three! and Merry Christmas my fellow readers, God bless you all!**

Everyone was beyond devastated at the news they all got. It's really a sight for sore eyes already before but now... Now they really don't know what to do, including Grissom. Questions are running all over their minds but none of them want to really show it to the others fearing that what they all thought would be true... It wouldn't, would it ?

The doctor came out from the door with a grim look on her face. "May I ask on whether did any of you know what caused his outburst ?"

"I uhh.. We don't know" Nick answered disappointment visible on his face.

"Very well then, is most likely suffering depression. It is very visible that nightmares occur almost every time. I am going to give him some antidepressants and sleeping pills so he won't wake up frequently."

They all just simply nodded while processing on what the doctor had said. "I-is he going to be alright ?" Sara stuttered a bit.

"If he gets the right treatment then I don't see why not." was all 's answer. "Very well then, thank you doctor." Grissom said as he shook her hand once again. With a nod from her, she went walking down the busy hallway.

The team slowly entered the room one by one. Greg was once again lying on his bed, pale and sweaty. Instead of going into a peaceful sleep, it was restless. He would moan once in a while. After a few seconds, his eyes snapped open. Breathing heavily while looking around the room frantically. When his eyes settled to his team, his breathing slowly went back to normal and his brown orbs began to relax. "Hey." Greg said just above a whisper.

"Hey, you feelin' okay buddy ?" Nick asked as gentle as possible knowing that his friend, no.. scratch that, his brother is very vulnerable.

"I've had better days." He said sighing. "So, hospital food for me huh ?" Greg said smiling slightly, trying to lighten the mood. He didn't like the feeling he's having seeing his team having this grim look on their faces.

"Why didn't you tell us Greg ? Why won't you trust us enough to tell us ?" Nick asked, making the first move.

"What are you talking about ?" Greg asked confused.

"That you're depressed! Dammit Greg!" Nick said raising his voice slightly.

Greg flinched on how Nick responded him. "H-how did y-you kn-know ?"

"Your doctor told us... but why didn't you told us Greg ?" Now it's Grissom's turn to talk to Greg.

"I-I... I don't know... Just.. I just don't want to talk about it."

"Greg, you have to share to us on what's bothering you sooner or later" Catherine said being her usual mother mode.

"But just not now.. Please, please just go away.. please" Greg said, barely audible as tears start building in his eye.

The rest of the team couldn't do anything but sigh and slowly went out of Greg's room.

As he heard the door klick shut, he burst into silent tears thinking why should this even happen on the first place. "I'm sorry mom, I'm so so sorry dad. I don't deserve to live, I'm sorry." Greg said under his breath as tears came pouring down his cheek. Minutes passed and the CSI soon fell into a restless sleep once again.

_-CSI-CSI-CSI-_

Grissom and the rest of his team.. well excluding Greg though, were pacing down the hall furiously, waiting for an hour to pass so that they could go and check on Greg again. "Well that's that.. now what ?"  
"Slowly make him open up his feelings and be there for him whenever he needs a shoulder to cry on." Grissom said, looking through the window into the closed curtains of Greg's room.

_**TBC**_

**Look I know it's kind of short but I tried my best on updating as soon as possible. Just to tell you, no, I am not in my hometown. I'm in fact in my mom's hometown so once again, I told you I forgot to bring my laptop so updates are gonna be delayed. But hey, at least I got a chance by using my cousin's laptop! SO here's my Christmas gift to you my dear fellow readers ((: **

**HAVE A NICE CHRISTMAS! GOD BLESS YOU ALL !**


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